Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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