I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
