I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
