is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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