If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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