but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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