Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
