i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
