I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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