The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
