I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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