I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
