Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
