Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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