I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
