Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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