If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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