i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
