she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
