he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
