you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
