I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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