Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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