yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
