my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
