omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
