you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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