I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
