The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
