Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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