Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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