you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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