Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
