This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
