I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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