just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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