dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
