There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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