My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
