shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
