im about as happy as oj after his trial
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
