I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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