I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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