is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
