after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
