im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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