eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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