The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
