I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
