Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
